The Horde of the Rings aka Lord of the Onion Rings
by Shadowiii
Summary: A story about saturated fat, a weird obsessive boppit with tons of rings, as well as wizards, dwarves, and (of course) cheese tacos. Rated #1 funniest LOTR parody by renozuken.com. Introduction, Chapters 1 and 2. Please Read and Review!
1. Introduction

Three Rings of the Elven-kings under the sky  
  
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their Halls of Stone Nine for Mortal Men Doomed To Die One of the Dark Lord on his Dark Throne In the Land of McMordor, where the cookers lie One Ring to Rule them All, One Ring to Find Them One Ring to Bring them All, and in the Darkness Deep-Fry Them In the Land of McMordor, where the cookers lie.  
  
The Lord of the Onion Rings  
  
By Shadowiii and Mr. B  
  
The original book was written by Tolkien, but he's old and dead and probably doesn't care anyway. Its not like I'm going to go to his gravestone and ask, "Hey man, can I use your book for an inspiration for a bunch of stupid blather?" I could be waiting for DAYS for a reply, for crying out loud! Then how would I ever get this story done?! Sheesh.  
Prologue: Concerning Boppits, and other stuff no one cares about  
  
This book is largely concerned with Boppits, and from its pages you'll probably learn nothing about Boppit history and a lot about how you are glad you are not one. If you want further information, take this to the Library of Congress and ask for the "Secret Surprise" and tell them the password: "I have a bomb in my pocket so hand over all your money." When the police arrive, don't resist and instead say the second password, "I'm guilty." After which, you'll have a few years of peace and quiet to realize that you have been scammed into acting like an idiot in front of the United States. Ha ha!  
  
Erm.uh.anyway.  
  
Boppits are an unobtrusive but very ancient people, more numerous formerly than they are today; because of two simple reasons: Fast food, and the fact that they look like lilliputions. The first will be dealt with during the story, however, so lets turn to the fact that these guys look like a bunch of people who's legs were sawed off by a magician but never replaced. The original of Boppits is unknown, however, they were originally known to be vicious warriors and supreme masters of the art of pillow fighting. To become a Shakanoapellowai master (that's Boppit for 'Where's the nearest sleepover?'), a young Boppit would first have to go through rigorous training, usually starting at around age 3 and a half. They would perform tasks including jumping on their bed, throwing stuffed animals and other harmless projectiles at passing travelers, and sleeping in. After a few decades they would be promoted and begin rigorous training atop ponies. Pillow jousting was a popular sport back in the days of yore (yore who? Your Momma! HHAAA GETS ME EVERY TIME!), and involved two Boppits atop ponies riding towards each other then bashing each other will a pillow. Rounds could last for years at a time, not because pillows couldn't do damage to a housefly, but because the Boppits arms were too short to reach each other. It usually ended when one passed out from exhaustion from holding the pillow for so long.  
  
The Boppit empire, which consisted of about 7000 Boppits over 2 square miles, was eventually invaded by the world of Men. Men, known to the Boppits as "Those tall, skinny guys," were bigger and clumsier then Boppits. But, for some unknown reason, even though the Men were outnumbered 7000 to 1, almost the entire Boppit population fell that day, simply because of the fact that pillows are a useless defence against swords.  
  
After that dreadful day, Boppits decided to forge an alliance. After trying to forge one from iron failed, they decided to write up an alliance with the world of Men. The Men were more than willing to have Boppits on their side, but, sadly, the next time a siege came around, the Boppits were usually run over by a speeding horsemen, and in the process this caused their pillows to get all muddy, lowering the moral of the Boppits because they had to sleep on them that very night. That was very uncomfortable. So, after years of working for the world of Men, boppits decided to branch out on their own. They moved to Boppiton, in an area known as the Shire. After kicking out the locals, they formed a peaceful community and dissapeared from the world of Men, remaining only as legends and in a very ugly picture on a tapestry in the king's basement. However, they weren't forgotten. Even long after their extinction (or should I say assimiliation), Mattel produced a toy making the name of Boppits immortal. The toy is called the Bop-It.  
  
But enough about that, lets get on with the show! 


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: A Long-Expected Party  
When Mr. Bulbus Baggins of BulbusEnd announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, everybody in Boppiton decided to get out of town.   
Bulbus was very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, VERY rich, and very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, weird. He'd been the wonder of the Shire for sixty years, after he left one day with the Wizard Alf and later came back hauling bags of money and saying, "Close the case! Settle for more!" The riches he had brought back were first attributed to the fact that Bulbus had had some adventure of sorts, because when he came back his clothing was all tattered and mangled, and Alf looked frizzled. However, later examination revealed that Bulbus had instead formed a lawsuit against the Fast Food Companies for making Onion Rings so fattening, and that's where he had gotten his riches. The adventure that happened inbetween, however, remained and still remains a mystery to this day. It was popularly believed that Bulbend was full of hidden passages and tunnels full of enough greenbacks to make a grassland. However, this was unconfirmed, first because of the fact that Bulbus let no one in the back room, and also because there were no tunnels. As time had wore on, Bulbus, unlike everybody else, hadn't seemed to have gotten much older. On his 80th birthday, he was as if he was 30. On his 90th birthday, it was as if he was 35. On his 100th birthday, he looked about 75, but that was because he hadn't gotten a good nights sleep. The neighbors, obviously, were green with envy, complaining that when THEY turned 100, they looked 75 with all their makeup on. They were also a little miffed about the money thing too.   
But Bulbus lived on happily, except for two very strange habits. First was his incredible urge to devour Onion Rings. He had this urge before he left on his adventure, but when he returned it was increased ten fold. Bulbend soon wasn't visited any more, simply because Bulbus' breath wilted flowers. The second habit was his love of gold rings. Every day he'd go to the local goldsmith and request 20 pounds of gold. After paying, he'd go back to his home and spend the rest of the month making more and more gold rings with weird patterns on them, and eventually bag them all up and stick them in some forgotten closet. He also had his old friend, Alf, enchant some rings for personal use, but most ended up being rings that simply burned your finger off or turned you into a walnut. But Bulbus did have one special ring, one which wasn't enchanted by Alf (well, not before). This one made you completely invisible, and Bulbus had gained it on his adventure. However, in a request to Alf to try to make it cure baldness, the ring flew into a powder rage and made you completely invisible...except your hair. Alf suggested Bulbus shave his head, but of course this was out of the question.   
During this time, Bulbus adopted a young Boppit known as Nerdo. Nerdo's was slightly related to Bulbus. He was Bulbus' uncle's, sister's, husband's, nephew's, roommate's, pizza delivery boy's third cousin, twelve times removed on his mother's side, sixteen times removed on his father's side. However, Bulbus liked him because he didn't like Onion Rings (more for himself!) and he was a cheerful young boppit that would cheer Bulbus up when he was down. Basically, Nerdo could have been replaceable by a puppy; but young, orphin boppits were cheaper back in those days, plus it was double coupon day. The two soon became quite attached, so much that Nerdo called Bulbus his "uh...uncle, I guess." making Bulbus very pleased indeed. Another interesting fact was that both Bulbus and Nerdo had the same birthday, September 22nd.   
So as the upcoming birthday arrived, people began to get a little nervous. Upon receiving invitations, the less known relatives sent replies similar to, "I'd love to, Bulbus dear, but my Pathagonian Fern needs a bubble bath and you know how short tempered it gets if it isn't washed precisely on September 22. So sorry, darling." or "My dearest Bulbus, I am currently scheduled on a visit to my in-laws, an event I look forward too with great earnest every year, and so I will not be able to attend." or "Bulb- You're fat, smell bad, and really, really weird. I wouldn't come even if you were GIVING away gold rings!" But, many of the folks in Boppiton itself were obligated to come, as it would be impolite to disregard dear old Bulbus. One of the few people who actually looked forward to the event was Spam Flabby, Hairy Brandy and Spittin' w00t. They were Nerdo's dearest boppit friends, as well as fans of Bulbus' tales of lawyers, round gold things, and saturated fat. The Flabby family lived just below Bulbend, in Number 3 Shot-gun lane.  
"Now I don't care what you nutty people say about Mr. Bulbus, he has always been a well-spoken gentleboppit if you ask me," declared the Gaffer. It was true; Bulbus had always been nice to the Gaffer and his son Spam, even offering Spam a job as a gardener when he dropped out of High School.   
"Now that may be true, my dear Flabby," stated Old Crackleyman of Bylewater, "But what about this Nerdo who lives with him? Baggins' his name but he's more a Brandybuck isn't he?"  
"That is quite so." Said Othello Sacker-Baggins, who was stirring his drink and grumbling. He was still slightly angered about losing the multi-billion dollar inheritance of Bulbus to Nerdo. "It beats me why any Baggins of Boppiton would go lookin' for a young weasel-face like him."  
"Now now, the story of Nerdo's parents is a tragic one. It was very hospitibable of Bulbus to take him in." put in the Gaffer.  
"Double-coupon day..." muttered Othello. The Gaffer glared at him and continued the story.  
"It must have been...oh...thirty years ago today when it happened. Nerdo's parents were rowing their boat out on the lake. Then a strange storm arose and their boat strangely rusted to dust and they both drowned. Tragic...tragic...oh so tragic."   
Several boppits removed their hats in rememberance. Othello belched and poured some more beer into his glass. The true story was that Nerdo's father had been so fat he had sunk the boat, plus the boat was made of wood so it couldn't possibly rust, but everyone was too polite to mention it.   
  
As the day of the party drew nearer, the boppits began noticing strange things happening at Bulbend. Alf the wizard had returned, this time carrying a wagon full of strange looking things. "Fireworks" were what the older boppits identified them as, but in truth no one listened to the elders anyway, so the objects' identity remained a mystery. Also strange, boppit like creatures began to show up, except with long beard and shaved feet. These were called Dwarves, the old ones mentioned, and they were friends with Bulbus from his adventure.   
  
Inside Bulbusend, Bulbus and Alf were sitting at the open window of a small room looking West into the garden. The birthday was scheduled for the next day. The only noise was the sound of Spam's trimmers cutting the heads off all the roses, and his feet tromping the petunias.   
"How...erm...brown your garden looks!" complimented Alf.  
"Yes," said Bulbus, "I am very fond of it." Alf stared in amazement at Bulbus, wondering what was going through his head. Bulbus munched an onion ring. "I am very fond of it, and of onion rings, and of the dear old shire. Oh yeah, of Nerdo too, but I feel I need a holiday." He stuffed a handful of the greasy discs into his face, crunching noisily.  
"Erm...yes." Muttered Alf, trying not to look at the disgusting spectical before him, "So you mean to go on with your plan then?"  
"Well, perhaps. But first I have a couple rings I want you to enchant for me. I am going to need one that will make me waterproof, another that will protect me from fire, and..."   
"Woah! Hold on old friend!" Exclaimed Alf, wiping his face. "I didn't exactly get an 'A' in enchantments at wizard school. However I will give it a try."  
"What grade did you get, old friend?" belched Bulbus.   
"The sixth letter in the alphabet." Replied Alf, turning toward the pile of rings.  
While Bulbus was trying to figure Alf's riddle out, Alf began enchanting.  
"Higgeldy-piggeldy  
Saint Athanasius  
Riffled through volumes   
In unseemly haste;  
  
"Trying to find out if  
(Hagiographicallly)  
John of Jerusalem  
Liked almond paste."  
  
The ring wobbled, then abruptly transformed into a crystal carriage. This was inconvienent, because it was nearly double the size of Bulbus' living room, much less the 'sitting and viewing the garden on a pleasant end of summer-beginning of autumn' room. Before the damage was substantial, Alf muttered a few lines and the "ring" turned into a cheese pickle.   
"Darnnation!" Alf muttered. "I was sure that was it. Oh well." Bulbus still sat at his seat, his hand on his chin, thinking.  
"Well, do you still plan on doing your little joke on Thursday?" asked Alf, trying to distract himself from the mounds of broken china.  
"Erm? Oh yeah! I can't wait, my dear man! Anyway, isn't about time you should go? Its almost time for dinner and I'm having onion rings. Not that you wouldn't be invited, it's just that I want them all for myself."   
"Of course, Bulbus my friend," said Alf, heading for the door. Looking at the smashed furnature and dishes, he muttered, "Better luck next time I suppose..." and walked towards the road.   
"Oh, and Alf!" exclaimed Bulbus as Alf was heading down the windy dirt path. "I don't believe Q is a letter grade in school!"   
Alf smiled.   
  
The day of the party arrived. Bulbus called it a party, but it was really just a bunch of people gathering together hanging around and eating. The menu consisted of Stir-fried Onion Rings, Onion Ring Saliad, Onion Ring Puddnig, Onion Ring hor'derves, and Onion Ring Cake. There was also a bunch of other foods that Alf had brought, but everyone ate those to Bulbus took no mind. "More for me!" he though happily.   
The evening wore on, and wore was the proper term. People were getting bored of Alf's fireworks, for most of them simply exploded on the ground. There occassionally were a few good ones, but most were pictures of rings or pickles or rabid hippogriphs trying to pick burrs from its fur. So every one was quite relieved when Bulbus took the stand for the ending speech.   
"My dear Boppits! I am very pleased to see you all today! As you know, today is my One-Hundred and Eleventh Birthday! It is also my...erm...nephew Nerdo's 33rd birthday today!" Nerdo, having drunk too much apple cider, groggily achnolaged the cheers in his direction. Bulbus continued his speech.  
"I like less of you half as well as you would like me too, and you are less than half of what you deserved that I am liked by...erm...blast! How did it go?" Alf walked up and whispered something in his ear. Bulbus coughed, ate an onion ring, and continued.  
"You guys are all right."   
Cheers exploded from the crowd.   
"In case you haven't noticed," continued Bulbus, "When you add up my age, one hundred and eleven, to my...companion's age, thirty three, you reach...erm..." Bulbus began counting on his pudgy fingers. Alf sighed and whispered something in Bulbus' ear again.   
"Ah yes! One hundred and fifty four!" Alf sighed, and whispered something again. Bulbus ate two more onion rings before continuing. "One hundred and fourty four, beg pardon. Anyway that is one gross, don'tcha know. And, in celebration of my birthday, I send invitations to exactly one hundred and fourty four of you! So now we can all be one gross together on my birthday!"  
"You aren't just gross on your birthday, you old weasel-face." Muttered Othello into his drink.   
"I heard that!" yelled Bulbus, throwing an onion ring at his disgrunteled relative. "Anyway I want to make an announcement. I am sorry to say that this is the end. I am going now. I wish you all a fond farewell." The boppits didn't know whether to cheer or...cheer, so they sat there.   
"Good riddence...I mean goodbye my dear boppits." Bulbus said slowly, and slipped on his magic ring. His body dissapeared, and instead was replaced by a mat of hair.  
"Hey, dang nab it look at dat flyin' rat!" yelled someone from the audience, who was undoubtably drunk. The boppits screamed, and began throwing anything they could get their hands on; including food, chairs, and relatives; at the flying muskrat. The flying 'rat' scuttled away towards Bulbend, and the boppits, who were all drunk, soon fell fast asleep, with visions of flying mammals and hangovers swaying in their groggy heads.   
Bulbus made his way to the house and opened the door, where Alf was waiting for him.  
"Good elephantine heavens!" roared Alf, and began beating the small patch of hair with his staff.   
"Ow! Eeaah! For crying out loud, Alf, its me!" moaned Bulbus, taking off the ring.  
"Oh, sorry old boy. Gut reaction you know." Muttered Alf, brushing off his staff.  
"You'd think for a wizard you'd be at least semi-intelligent." Muttered Bulbus, rubbing his scalp.  
"What was that?"  
"Oh nothing."  
Bulbus made his way to the mantel. Alf followed, ducking under the boppit's chandaleer made of golden rings.  
"Is everything written up Bulbus?" asked Alf. "The will, and all that?"  
"Yeah, I wrote it up yesterday. 'Everything goes to Nerdo to do as he bloody well pleases.' That just about takes care of it, right?"   
"Sure thing." Said Alf, smiling. "But what about this ring of yours?"  
"What about it?" said Bulbus, packing his things.  
"Aren't you going to give it to Nerdo?"  
"Now why on earth would I want to do that?" retorted Bulbus, packing a bag of gold rings along side his bag of onion rings and his walking staff. "Its pretty and shiny, and it sort of works."  
"Ah, but what if you encounter an owl while wearing it? You might be...scratched on your head." Countered Alf.  
"Bah! You are always butting in my business! Fine, I'll put it in an envelope on the mantel." Blubus, munching on yet another onion ring, pulled a ring-textured envelope from his envelope stack and slipped a ring in it.   
"That isn't the right ring, you slimy sneak." roared Alf coldly.  
"It is too! See!?" Bulbus put it on and found himself to be a walnut. "Then again, maybe it isn't..."  
"Ha! I told you. I am wise, and I know it." Alf roared, laughing. "Don't worry, I'll turn you back."   
Alf sat up straight and faced the walnut. He took a deep breath, and gripped his staff in both hands.   
"Ahhhama kaamaa gnnaarnaaa!" he roared. Nothing happened.  
"That sucked." Said the walnut.   
"You fool, I was just clearing my throat." roared Alf. "Here we go...  
Abracadabara! Pocus Hosus! Walnut, shmallnut! Do not pass go! Do not collect two hundred dollars! I trust my barber! As you wish!"   
The walnut stood up. It was Bulbus.  
"Man, that felt nutty." Bulbus muttered, shaking his head.  
"Yes, but my mad wizard skilz aided you, no?"  
"You moron, I just slipped the ring off."  
"Erm...well, it was rather pecular. Now, put the right ring in the envelope!" Alf roared.  
"...I don't want too." Said Bulbus. A strange look came over his face. "Its mine...my own...my..my..pretty..my..erm..my shiny ring...my presssssssssssssssshous."  
"Look, turn into snake-man some other time, all right? Just put the blasted ring in the envelope before I get a migrane from all this roaring." Roared Alf.   
"Fine." Bulbus paused, and finally put the ring in the envelope. He then trotted towards the door.  
"You know?" he said on his way out. "I don't really think I want to eat any more onion rings for a while." He tossed the bag into the fire. Alf watched it burn slowly. So did Bulbus.  
"Wait! I changed my mind! Aaaargh!" Bulbus grabbed the burning bag and began stomping on it trying to put the flames out. Finally the fire was extinguished, and Bulbus put the package back into his backpack.  
"Mmmm...bitsized for my convience. Ah well. Goodbye Alf, my old friend."  
"So long, Bulbus!" roared Alf, then took an excedrine. Bulbus trotted slowly toward some dwarves, then began to sing an old song.  
"The road goes ever on and on  
To the place that I must go  
I wish these dwarves had longer legs  
So they wouldn't walk so slow.  
  
Pursuing it with tired feet  
Until it reaches the crossroads of fate  
There an onion I will eat  
Not a slimy gross date. Yech!"  
  
"Until we meet again." Muttered Alf.  
Suddenly the door flew open, slamming against the wooden wall with a crash.   
"WAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZUP?!" Nerdo roared into the boppit hole.   
"That is so old..." groaned Alf. "Ah, how goes it Nerdo?"  
"Like, totally cool....dude. That party was...like...weird." Nerdo stuttered.  
"Yes. Well, your Uncle Bulbus has gone to visit his dwarven friends. He'll won't be back for a while."   
"Dude...he isn't my uncle. He's my..."   
"All right. That guy who used to live here with you is gone, and he gave everything to you."  
"Sweetness!" Nerdo gave a thumbs-up.  
"His will, as well as the ring, is on the mantle."  
"Which ring? Oh...that ring. Totally tubular, bro!" Nerdo held the ring into the light.  
"Hey, Alfalfa, man, would you please, like, pass me an onion ring? I wanna eat one now." Nerdo said, slowly.  
"Please don't call me by my full name. And I won't give you an onion ring. I suggest you put that ring somewhere you can't see or touch it, until I have some more answers."   
"Sure man." Nerdo tossed the ring into the envelope and chucked it into the mess that Bulbus had left behind.  
"Now, Nerdo, I don't want you to use this until I return. Hopefully Bulbus' tale will die in a few days. Try to keep it quiet, ok?" Alf said, taking his staff and heading for the door.  
"Dude...where...like...are you leaving or something dawg? I mean...geeze..."  
"I have questions that need answering. I'll see you later."  
"Sure man. Check you latah...Alf dude. Hey, a cheese pickle!"  
  
And Alf was gone. 


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Shadow of the Past  
Talk about Bulbus' disappearance didn't die in nine days, or ninety-nine days; it was talked about all over the land for exactly one year and one day, and remembered longer than that. It became the Boppit children's favorite fireside tales to hear about Crazy Bulbus who would evaporate into flying muskrats and than appear again with bags of flower-wilting onion rings. Most of the adult Boppits grew to believe that Bulbus had gone crackers and got drowned off in the wild blue yonder. Nerdo maintained Bulbus' End to the best of his abilities, and always celebrated his and Bulbus' birthday. Most folks commented on this but he always defended himself by saying that he didn't think Bulbus had died.  
Alf the wizard hadn't been seen in the Shire for a long time and most folks thought he had quitted the area entirely.  
Nerdo soon began to exhibit some signs of his uncle's peculiarities.  
  
Nerdo walked into the door. "Hello, em, Andember. I would like, uh, to by some gold."  
Andember Fatbelly looked up. He was the local goldsmith. "Ah yes, young Nerdo. My favorite customer! Of course! How much do you want?"  
Nerdo looked at the displays. "Duh...uh...*snort* Like, maybe a pound. Is that enough?"  
Andember nodded in amazement. "Yes, of course. How are you going to pay for this?"  
"Do you , like, take Mastercard?"  
"Sorry. How about an instalment plan?"  
"Well, I was, uh, hoping to pay for it all, like, here." Nerdo fished his wallet out of his pocket and layed a number of bills on the counter.  
Andember was amazed. "I didn't know they made them in those denomintations."  
Nerdo laughed. "They were, uh, made especialy for me. I think."  
"Well, here's your gold."  
"And, like, here's your money."  
Nerdo walked out of the shop holding the gold and with a well-pleased expression on his face.  
  
When he got home, Nerdo entered his living room to find Spam, Hairy, and Spittin' engaged in an exotic celebration involving wine, beer, poker cards, and ornate combat pillows. Hairy and Spittin' were throwing the pillows, the beer, and the stray inkwell at each other - most of which landed in a large pile halfway between the combatants in the center of the room. Spam was standing in the extinguished fireplace with his head and shoulders up the chimney, singing.  
BEER, BEER, HOW DO I LOVE THEE, LET ME COUNT THY WAYS,  
I LOVE THE STICKY FEELING WHEN I POUR YOU DOWN MY FACE,  
AND WHEN I GET MY WELLFARE CHECK, I GUZZLE YOU IN TRAYS,  
JUST DON'T PUT MY BREATH A-FIRE, OR YOU'LL SET THE ROOM ABLAZE!  
  
At each line of the song, the two pillow fighters launched their weapons at each other, alternating between sticking out their tongues and shouting mocking insults at each other.  
"Hey, uh, guys? Could you, uh...uh..." Nerdo scratched his head. It was a long word. "...like, procrastinate...uh...for a while? I...uh...yeah..."  
"Howdeedoodeeday, Nerdo!" Spam shouted, dislodging some soot, "We're having a big, fat, par-tay!"  
Spittin' turned to Nerdo and threw a random inkwell, "WATCH YOUR FACE!! Haw haw, you didn't watch fast enough."  
With all his might, Hairy threw an elaborately jeweled combat cushion at Spittin'. It joined its fellows in the center of the room. "Aw, nuts. WALLnuts, haw haw... Say Nerdo, Spittin' has something he wants to tell you."  
Spittin' drew himself up to his full height of 1.18 meters and puffed out his chest proudly. "Nerdo, I went up a level, an' now I'm a level 5 pillow ninja! I get my own embroidered pillow an' nightstand an' parade an' just about everything! YARRRR!!!!"  
Nerdo didn't know what to say. "I don't...uh...know what to say. That's totally, like...ya know."  
"We're having a little party!" Hairy squeaked. "We knew you wouldn't mind. Besides, it covers up last week's party, so now you won't have to look at it."  
"Uh...that rocks...so...what's cooking?"  
"Me." Spam shouted promptly, dislodging some more soot.  
  
About three years after Bulbus' memerable disappearance party, Alf suddenly began visiting again.  
  
BLAMBLAMITTYBOOMKAPOW!  
Nerdo looked up from his newspaper. He was sitting in his sitting room with his three friends; Spam Flabby, Hairy, and Spittin'. "Who's bangin' my, like, door? What's, uh, the meaning of this?" He got up and opened it. The outside surface of the door was charred and smoking; charcoal and soot lay in a fine powder all over the front walk. A lone, frizzled figure (obvously the victim of a backlash of a magical nature) stood there, nervously muttering faint prayers and patting out burning clothing. Nerdo's jaw dropped.  
"Duh! It's, like, Alf! Hi, Alf!"  
Alf stood surounded by smoke. "Hello, Nerdo. How are you?"  
"Uh, pretty good. How are you?"  
"Pretty good."  
Nerdo stood there trying to think of something. "Uh, won't you come in?"  
"Thanks." He sat down in Nerdo's chair. "I've discovered a new magic ring thing."  
Everyone stood up except Spam, Hairy, and Spittin'.  
"Uh, please come over here, Alf." Nerdo lead the way into another room. "You don't say?"  
"Yes. I havn't actualy tried it yet, but I think it should work. It's my newest invention, realy."  
"I, uh, I hate to be tedious, but you do owe me money."  
"And so you want me to make a new ring."  
"Duhhh, like, yah."  
"First, I'll need a gold ring."  
"Won't copper do? We, like, go through so many gold ones."  
"No, only gold will work, Nerdo."  
Nerdo was crestfallen. He pulled his newest ring out of his pocket. It was a gold ring with a picture of a ring carved on it. He liked rings. "Uh, here, Alf."  
Alf took the ring and placed it on the floor. Then he pulled a chair up right to it. "If this works, I'll have penetrated a whole new field." He seemed struck with a thought. "I could become a published auther!"  
"What kind of field, Alf?" Nerdo felt nervous.  
Alf sat down in the chair and closed his eyes. "Be quiet now. I'm concentrating."  
"What are you, like, concentrating?"  
"Hush."  
Nerdo walked over to the door and sat down in front of it. Looking at the wizard, he felt a strange sensation. He felt like...he felt like he wanted to...he felt...suddenly, he didn't feel like anything. A fifth-and-a-half sense told him that the wizard had something to do with what he wasn't feeling. He didn't feel anything for the next seven minutes.  
Alf opened his mouth. "Alakazam! Abrakadabra! Hocuspocus! Please! Thank-you! You're welcome!" He stood up and opened his eyes. "That's over with." He picked up the ring and gave it to Nerdo.  
"Did something happen, Alf?"  
"I'll say. I feel like I've been licking a car battery." Alf stuck out his tongue and felt it. "But I didn't, realy."  
"So what happened?"  
"I have developed a Vibe concentator."  
"Vibe?"  
"Vibes are a field that surrounds us and perminates us." Alf rubbed his chin. "That's as far as I've gotten."  
"And this ring, is the Vibe concentrator?"  
"Yes."  
"So wat'l it do?"  
"It makes your vibes much, much stronger. By an order of several magnitudes."  
"Yes. But practicaly, like, what will it do?"  
"This one will only magnify certain vibes. If you wear it and eminate Baldness Vibes, then you will in fact actualy become bald."  
"Dude! Is it, like, reversable?"  
"Of course. Juest stop eminating Baldness Vibes."  
"So what'l it do for me besides, like, making me look as old as Uncle Bulbus?"  
"If you wear this ring and his ring, you should become entirely invisible."  
"No duh?"  
"None whatsoever."  
Nerdo chuckled to himself. "That's, like, rad."  
  
That night, Nerdo and the wizard Alf sat beside the hearth and basked in the last light of the embers. Alf through in a few more logs.  
Nerdo held the newly enchanted ring in his hand. It felt very special. "This ring...uh...it feels very very special."  
"I know. That's because it is special. Have you tried it on yet?"  
"No." Nerdo shrugged. "You try it on."  
The wizard blanched. "NO! That is, you see, I, erm, *cough*, It might make my beard perminantly invisible, and then, er, it would be difficult to shave."  
"Oh."  
Alf stood looking at the fire so that Nerdo couldn't see his face. "Well, Nerdo. The time has come to tell all."  
"All?" Nerdo was confused.  
"Yes. All. All about your Uncle Bulbus's ring."  
"You mean, like, its story?"  
"Exactly." Alf leaned back. "A long time ago, there was a serious war between the Dark Lord Sauroff with his slugs, and the Elves, Dwarves, Humans, etc. Eventualy Sauroff was killed and his magic ring was taken from his finger. The guy who took it should have destroyed it, but he didn't. As you know, it makes it's wearer invisible. This guy wore it and tried to make a detour around a group of slugs, but the ring betrayed him and fell off of his finger. The slugs shot him and he died. For a long time after that, the ring, the one ring, lay at the bottom of the river. Finaly, a small, distant relative of a Boppit found it only to have his cousin immediately kill him and take it. The cousin's name was Gurgle."  
"What?" Cried Nerdo. "Not the Gurgle Uncle Bulbus got the ring from?"  
"The same Gurgle. And now the enemy, Sauroff, wants the ring back. And we're not going to let him have it, right?"  
"We arn't? No, we arn't! Never!" Gulped Nerdo. "Why does he want it?"  
"Well, a long time ago, the Elves made magic rings..."  
"Dude! Is that where you got your ring makin' stuff from?"  
"I wish. Anway, nobody knew that Sauroff was bad then, and so the Elves let him help them make the magic rings. After they were done, he made his own magic ring that was able to control all the others. That is the ring currently around your neck."  
"Like, how can you be sure?"  
For answer, Alf ripped the ring of Nerdo's neck and threw it in the fire. Nerdo tried to grab the ring but only burnt his fingers. After a few minutes, Alf recovered the ring from the coals and carelessly held it in the palm of his hand.  
"You see, Nerdo, the ring isn't even hot."  
"No..."  
"There's writing on it."  
"What's it say?"  
"It says..." Alf cleared his throat. "...it says, 'one ring to rule them, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness deep fry them'."  
"That's scary." Nerdo shivered.  
"I think I have a job for you."  
"What's that?"  
"You must face impossibe odds, take this ring to Mount Boom in the middle of Sauroff's mighty kingdom, and toss it into the Crack of Boom."  
"Will it be very dangerous?"  
"Yes, as a matter of fact...just a minute." Alf hurrind to the window, reached out, and bodily pulled Spam Flabby into the room. "What were you doing, Spam?"  
Spam squocked. "I was only trimmin' the lawn, if you take my meaning, sir." He held up a pair of gardening shears.  
Alf glared at him. "It's two A.M. Spam."  
"Well...I wanted to get an early start." Spam grinned until he saw the look on Alf's face.  
Alf dropped Spam on the carpet. "You were eavesdropping. I'm going to punish you by sending you with Nerdo."  
It was only now that a look of serious alarm spread across Spam's face. "Me? Go with Nerdo? To see the Elves and all? All the way? To Mount Boom? All the way back? The whole way?"  
"Well, he can leave you there if you want."  
Spam giggled suddenly. "I'm going with Nerdo!"  
"I'm glad this is settled."  
Nerdo stood up and motioned to Spam. "We'd better, like, get packing." 


End file.
